There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
