So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
