god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
