Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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