Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I smell stomach acid.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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