i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
