***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She's JV to your varsity
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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