ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
