I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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