I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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