Her vagina should come with caution tape.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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