I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
