Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
