Swine flu. Run for my life!
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize