Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
