He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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