the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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