I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
