Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Two words: blizzard sex
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize