My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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