You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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