My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
