She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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