Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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