Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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