Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
