Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He passed out mid-signature
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize