I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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