I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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