It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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