Plan B is the new Plan A
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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