I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
