My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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