Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So much Jack, so little girl.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
