Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
