So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
