R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize