Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
