he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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