but the lizard people decide everything anyway
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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