You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Couch. On fire.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
