I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
