Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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