On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
