I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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