You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
