I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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