I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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