I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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