FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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