haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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