Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just want to make out with him forever
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
