if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
