Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
