Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
