I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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