i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
