oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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