Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
