and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
