I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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