well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
