Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize