if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
